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The 10 Worst-case Holiday Scenarios…in Kenya

From a Kenyan friend on “The 10 Worst-case Holiday Scenarios”. Not necessarily funny for Westerners but hilarious for Africans!”

  1. Your wife cant stand the smoke of firewood and thinks your mom’s utensils are too dirty and her kids will get diarrhoea.
  2. The new wife you took to introduce to your clan turns out to be your relative, the elders have said.
  3. Your neighbor who has a long hand has stolen the only jogoo your mother planned to slaughter for you and your family.
  4. Your rabbies-infested dog, Log Dichiel, has bitten your only son and the nearest Dispensary( Ng’iya) is 10km away and closed.
  5. Your new wife Njeri, has run barefoot all the way to Siaya town to get Kawere bus to travel back to Nairobi because your mother served her “kamongo” for lunch and she thought it was a snake.
  6. Your wife has declared “hapa hatulali babe” after seeing two gigantic mosquitoes the size of your fingers flying around your local lion waiting for your kids blood at night.
  7. Your grandmother Birgita has arrived with a razor blade to “saro” your kids so that the local witch, Magdalina nyar kakrao does not bewitch them with the eyes (juog wang).
  8. You have five full suitcases filled with mosquitoes repellents, water guards, mineral water,jik, calpols, anti biotics, malaria drugs, sleeping bags, first aid kits, anti snake bite drugs,mosquito nets, oxygen masks because your wife doesn’t trust your village.
  9. Your shamba boys and cow boys are extending their hands to greet your fiancee(they call her semeji)but she’s holding back her hands in horror because their hands look like the road between Akala and Ndori.
  10. Your other cousin, Otis, who’s tongue never rests has walked in and asked, “is this really the same wife you came home with last time, the one who had 6 kids? “

Happy Holidays family.

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